Kickstarter Scams: Polarity and F@$! that stupid elf and his damn shelf

Posted in Humour with tags , , , , on 11 December, 2014 by Noyemi

Elf on a Shelf is just a cute little tradition where you move a little elf doll around your house, out of the kids’ reach. You tell the kid that the elf is watching him or her on behalf of santa, basically just a charming little new tradition around christmas time to get your kids hyped up for presents.

Some people think it’s silly, and that’s okay. Some other people have more immature ways of dealing with their feelings about this.

Do you hate the elf and his stupid shelf? Help me self publish a children’s book that will make children hate the elf. The plot will center somewhere around parents working with Santa to banish this rogue tattle-tale elf and protect children’s constitutional right to privacy. Any other annoying toys you want banished from your house? We can make them part of the elf’s evil band. I am open to suggestions.

It basically boils down to “Waaah I don’t like this, pay me 4 grand to trash this little tradition I don’t have to follow!” It’s like a 13 year old on deviantart drawing himself choking Goku or something because he doesn’t like Dragon Ball. Feel free to hate it all you want, but taking the step of inserting your fantasy into the fiction publicly (and asking for money and support to do it) is indicative of some deeper issues. Anyway.

Polarity is something that is almost completely incomprehensible, yet another project made up of word salad by someone who earnestly believes they’re being profound.

You’ve never seen anything so fucked up til you’ve seen the smartest man in the world flip the switch that destroyed the Earth so he could go fuck his A.I. daughter in another dimension while the woman who loved him could do nothing but watch in horror as she fell into an alternate time space where she was forced to become God to escape.

And now he’s waking up, that motherfucker. He’s down in the base of some building somewhere in the mountains, outside of one of our cities, slagged into ruins after he screwed time and space for everyone by discovering something no one anywhere had ever imagined and called down some unholy hell from every corner of existence. From about a thousand dimensions no one had ever even imagined existed

Yeah, look at that. Is there really even much to say, other than “you’ve gotta see it to believe it”? Oh, what’s this?

What could his other project have possibly been?

What could his other project have possibly been?

He has created another project in the past! And it’s about as pretentious as you’d come to expect. He regales us with his rhetoric of turning our concept of time on its head! Well actually, what he actually does is show us about how he’s a pedantic fuck about the language of dealing with time and doesn’t actually understand, intuitively, what he’s talking about.

Why is this significant? Because for the past to have existed at all, it must have been, at one point, the present. Try and imagine a past moment that was not the present in its own time — you can’t, it’s impossible.

This means that, speaking linearly, the first moment of time in any given timeline must always be the present, not the past — every conceivable timeline starts with a present moment, then there is a second present moment that looks back at the first present moment and says, “that is the past, relative to me.”

This shows us two things. First, it shows us that our definition of time is inadequate for describing how time actually unfolds, because our definition requires that the past come before the present, when in actuality, the present must come first for the past to be able to exist at all.

Woah dude! That Einstein fucker had no idea what he was talking about!

Nah, actually I think the way we think of time normally is perfectly fine. The way modern science thinks of it is even better. If something’s wrong with it, I’m not sure someone who calls themself a “philosopher” with a straight face is the one to point it out.

Kickstarter Scams: Full Tilt and Insert Cool Name Here

Posted in Humour with tags , , , , on 6 December, 2014 by Noyemi

Full Tilt is basically Corpse Party but shitty. No screencaps, no mockups, no nothing. That is, unless you watch the video, in which you’re treated to bad 3D, terrible filters and effects, and no explanation for ANYTHING.

 Full Tilt in a horror murder mystery with a twist. This is not your average school, their is an aura of gloom and unsolved happenings everywhere you turn. It may tilt your perspective on reality itself.

So Corpse Party then, right?

 Play in the first person as you piece together the puzzles that make “Thomas Hearty High” such a scary place. Pick up items, find keys, read student notes hidden in hard to find places. Do all this while trying to stay alive and you get… “Full Tilt”

Corpse… Party. Yeah.

Wh-what…??

Anyway, enough about that. It’s not really a “scam” but it is a shit kickstarter. Kind of like Insert Cool Name Here: Everyone’s Game.

This Project is to make a game whose key dynamics are chosen by the fans. It’s to have a game that panders the audience with what they want. It’s the first of it’s kind (hopefully). I really want to forge and merge a community with an ever evolving game. At the moment I don’t have much wrote up but hopefully over the coming days I’ll add more.

Hey man, a game that has a salad of “whatever you guys want!” in it isn’t really going to work. I mean, it’s best to give players a more focused experience because if you’re trying to cater separately to the tastes of more than 10 people at once, who all have different ideas about what should be in the game, it’s either not going to be done or it’s just going to be all over the place. But what do I know?

Anything and everything can and will be added! ;)

The opinions of the contributors, as well as the world at large, will not just be consider but will be added without a questions (as long as it doesn’t conflict with a more popular idea).

Okay, so everything can be added, but not if it’s something that is unpopular. Who’s designing this game again? Did you even think about this before trying to get money for it?

I mean, okay, it’s cool to take suggestions from consumers about things that should be in a product. In fact, it’s a good idea. But don’t say “we’ll use everyone’s ideas in this game” and then say that you won’t because it’s unpopular, because why are they backing it if their idea won’t make it into the game? It’s an unsellable concept. If you did use everyone’s ideas, the game would be an unfocused pile of shit. If you don’t use the backers’ ideas because it won’t make a good game, why did you tell them you would.

Oh yeah.

To get their money.

Kickstarter Scams: Truth Bringer’s

Posted in Humour with tags , , , on 5 December, 2014 by Noyemi

I only have one question: did you even fucking try?

A 2d Video game for Dos/Mac/Android phones. An epic&moral txt adventure/puzzle maze/Boss battler/A Two Edged Toll of Deceit and Will!

Hey, DOS! That operating system that nobody fucking uses except to play old (great) games via emulator.

Truth Bringers:Toll of Deception will be an amazing text adventure, puzzle solver, boss battler to rival Super Mario, Mega Man, Chrono Cross etc.

It will have RPGs. It will have stats, gems, and webs. You can online with your friends… or your enemies.

Other fun things: The title image is a jumbled jigsaw of things that don’t fit, unreadable text, and a colour scheme (if you could call it that) that makes it no easier to parse. The rest of the text is the same shitty word-salad. It even includes a fucking Nickelback song (yes, I did clear my history because I don’t want anything to do with that.)

Jesus fucking Christ.

Nightmare Castle Effects Guide

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on 11 November, 2014 by Noyemi

A kind youtuber created a multilingual effects guide (Spanish, English, and Japanese) for Nightmare Castle 3.1.0!

Take a look if you’re having any trouble finding the effects/specials.

Amihailu in Dreamland 1.00

Posted in Development with tags , on 16 September, 2014 by Noyemi

The game’s done! Grab it here!

Changes in this version:

  • New portraits, events, and music
  • Removed unnecessary and incomplete things

Finally, after two years, my game is finished! What’s next?

Need Music?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , on 29 July, 2014 by Noyemi

I want to work for you! (Yes, you!)

I’ve done music in a number of styles, and I’m ready to take my show to the next level and offer my services to others.

So, if you need a tune, or you like what I do and you need me on the line for a contract of sorts, drop me a line at kseihya@gmail.com.

And pricing is negotiable, I wouldn’t worry about it if, say, you were doing a Yume Nikki game or some such.

Making Games (Part 2)

Posted in Development on 26 July, 2014 by Noyemi

In part 1, we painted with some broad strokes to meet the most basic needs of getting started. Tonight, we’re going to tighten it up a bit and talk about getting started in more detail—after all, which part do you start with first? When’s a good time to show off? Like with any other question to game development, there are a few answers. Better still for you, a lot of those answers are good ones for the question at hand.

  1. Where do I start? Well, I recommend starting with game assets and logic right off the bat. If you work better with art to work off of for designs, you can do that before committing to any visuals. I keep them in my head, or choose themes closely related to other designs or observations I like in real life, but some people work better with other ways. Remember that neither methodology is inferior, particularly when they’re all means to the same end. Further from that still, there are some people who go right to the PR step from the start. It’s not necessarily wrong in my opinion, but it’d go over a bit better if you have screenshots and videos of actual in-engine play before trying to drum up a little hype for your game.
  2. What tools do I need before I get started? For this, you could have anywhere from everything you need to put together another “blockbuster” RM Horror to a toolset as barebones as notepad and MS Paint. I recommend having templates made for your custom graphics, a music sequencer of some kind and some VSTs or sample sets, your engine (RPG Maker most likely), and a few buddies to help test your game if you don’t want to do open testing (which has specific advantages and disadvantages).
  3. Where do I go for help? There are a number of people with tutorials, patience, and lots of experience out there for you to get help from with anything from music, to event programming. Recently, Bleet’s rebranded her one-woman studio to Pixelboom Games, which has a lot of tutorials that serve as an excellent starting point for new users to 2k3, and other engines also have large and experienced support communities. These people make quality games with generally impressive and creative programming, and you can learn a lot from befriending them. Of course, there’s also myself.
  4. What was that about a PR step? Oh, right. The PR step is basically where you start putting together a public presence for your game. It’s related to testing, in that there are several methods for testing that impact how the PR for your game will work. I’ll get into those later, because the subject is a little complex and involves a little bit of psychology. But for now, just think of the different ways to get your game’s word out there, so to speak, and when to do it. This could be at any time, though the best results come from publishing info and a finished game at the same time, I’m told. Most people in the RM stage begin the PR step before completing a game, though that’s fine too. I recommend having significant progress, and not starting specific media profiles for your game until a playable build is close to release. This is mostly because people will forget if they have to wait too long, and the response won’t be as you’d hoped.
  5. Can I start right now and leave your inevitable future text-bricks to get dusty? Sure!

I hope I’ve provided you with enough thought to get to work, but if you’re not quite yet ready, go ahead and check out that name I dropped, or wait for the next article! Got some questions? Well, head on over to my tumblr I linked and ask some. Maybe they’ll make it into an article!

Part I | Part II

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 92 other followers